Daily Devotional

Time with God is often messier than we like to admit.

I grew up in church and heard countless sermons about the importance of prayer and reading my Bible. Read your Bible more and you’ll feel closer to Jesus. Pray more and you’ll be happier. Spend the first 30 minutes of your day doing your devotions, and you’ll be set to serve God the rest of the day. In one sense, this is absolutely true. Hearing from God in His word and speaking to Him in prayer is the core of our relationship with Him. And I believe that Scripture is abundantly clear that time spent at the feet of Jesus is critical for our joy, our peace, and our spiritual strength (John 15:5). Over time, consistent, faithful time in the presence of God does produce these things. But if we’re not careful, we can set expectations for our “quiet time” that God doesn’t set out in Scripture.

Here’s what I encountered as I got older and life got harder: many of the times I spent with God weren’t encouraging and brimming with positivity. I would read a passage of Scripture and feel overwhelmed by the ways in which my life didn’t measure up to what I was reading. I’d pray for friends I hadn’t heard from in a while and feel bad for not contacting them... then feel hurt that they hadn’t contacted me. I’d pray over my circumstances and then feel angry that my life wasn’t the way I wanted it to be. I’d sit in the quiet before God and try to focus while pushing down the slow creep of past regrets and future anxieties. This seemed to run up against everything I’d been taught about prayer and Bible reading. Wasn’t this supposed to fill me with joy, peace, and hope? Why was it full of guilt, hurt, anxiety, and anger? I was left wondering what was wrong with me that I wasn’t experiencing those things.

If we’re not careful, we can end up with a “pop psychology” view of prayer and Scripture that makes them Christianized versions of “meditation” or “the power of positive thinking:” a kind of life hack to increase our energy, focus, or productivity. A sort of quick-fix, seven-minutes-with-Jesus spirituality works for a while, but is a cheap substitute for the deep, messy work of abiding with God. Eventually, the formulaic “pray the sad away” breaks down, especially when life gives us more bad days than good days.  The negative emotions that we ignore while doomscrolling Instagram tend to well up when we remove our distractions and come into the presence of Jesus.

If you’re like me and not all your prayer times are happy and peaceful, don’t despair. You’re not a bad Christian: quite the contrary. Even Jesus experienced negative emotions in prayer. In Matthew 26, we get a rare glimpse into Jesus’ relationship with God as He prays in Gethsemane. And guess what? It’s messy. Jesus comes before God in a profoundly painful emotional state, so much so that he’s literally sweating blood. I don’t think Jesus’ request “let this cup pass from me” is an intellectual appeal for God to reveal an alternate path forward. It’s an expression of raw, deep emotion: “God, everything in Me doesn’t want to do this.” Hours before the crucifixion, Jesus stands on the brink of the greatest suffering imaginable, peering down into the abyss, contemplating the weight of sin He must carry... and He feels anguish, grief, maybe even fear.

What does Jesus do in this emotional state? First, notice Jesus acknowledges and names his emotions. He tells his disciples, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death.” Jesus doesn’t hide His emotions from God or try to put them away before approaching the Father in prayer. In the same way, we don’t need to hide our negative emotions because we want our prayer time to give us joy. A quick scan of the Psalms should be enough to prove that. Second, notice Jesus prays his emotions to God. Jesus is emotionally honest in prayer: “Father, this is how I feel. Is there any other way?” I think in our efforts to pray in Christianese, we sometimes lose the ability to pray this way: “God, this sucks.” We can and should bring our emotions into the presence of God and lay them out before Him. Lastly and most importantly, Jesus submits his emotions. He prays, “Not My will, but Thine be done...” “even though I feel this way, I will submit to Your plan for me.” Jesus doesn’t let His emotions keep him from obedience. Bringing our emotions into the presence of God might (I think often does) make the feelings subside... but it might not. In either case, we abide and we obey.

So if we find our time with God keeps getting interrupted by emotions that aren’t all happy and joyful, lean into it. Name those emotions (“I’m feeling anxious”). Pray those emotions to God (“God, I’m feeling anxious”). And in so doing, actually feel the emotions – don’t rush through them to try to get to happier ones that might be waiting on the other side. Then submit those emotions to Him (“God, may Your peace replace my anxiety; but not as I will, but what You will”). We might not always feel better, but that’s okay. Allow your time with God to be a little messy.

"English Standard Version (ESV)
The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Text Edition: 2016. Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers."